


How To (Not) Cook With Rabbit

by mt_lyfe



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Derek fails at taking care of injured bunnies, Don't copy to another site, Humor, Inappropriate Use of Kitchen Equipment, M/M, Warning for hints of bunny porn, Werebunny Stiles Stilinski, causes misunderstandings, joke's on you there's no plot, there's a witch for plot convenience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:22:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24916801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mt_lyfe/pseuds/mt_lyfe
Summary: Though this was a decent pot, fairly wide with just enough space he could curl up into for a nap. Almost like a burrow his rabbit mind supplied. ‘No! NO!’ His human brain screeched. ‘It’s a bloody pot! Get the hell out before you’re turned into stew!’
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Comments: 21
Kudos: 292





	How To (Not) Cook With Rabbit

**Author's Note:**

> I am... Quite embarrassed at what I wrote, and there's no plot despite how hard I tried. Please don't hurt me. M warning just in case for the ending. Nothing explicit.

The pack knew Stiles wasn’t completely human. He was something else. What though, he refused to specify. Because who wanted to admit to being a wererabbit in the midst of a pack of hungry wolves? Not smart. His ADHD easily startled human half was already twitchy enough. Could you imagine if they found out? They were already attracted to his scent, like the ‘I smell fresh BBQ’ type of attraction. It would turn into full-on chases through the woods for fun! Rabbit hunting was not a fun sport!

So why did Stiles go hopping through the preserve on a regular basis in literal werewolf territory? He and his bunny obviously had no survival instincts. The lush green and browns of the spring forest did well to camouflage his brown fur. If only he could stay still enough to avoid catching a predator’s eye. Twitching and spastically hopping every which way through the field of clover and ‘oh look at the patch of daises and the bed of fern!’ The forest was the best.

Then when a murderous witch took up residence in the forest did that deter him then? No, Stiles still went hopping about munching on greenery like it was going out of season. So who did he have to blame when he found himself strung up on twine, dangling from a tree branch while the witch was starting a sacrificial ceremony that looked like it involved rabbit?

He was going to need literal magic to get out of this situation. Twisting and swinging on the length of twine giving himself rope burn, he managed to remember the spell to cut rope before the witch finished his spell. It was a miracle he managed to land on all four paws before squaring up with the witch narrowing his little beady black eyes.

This was war! Nobody messed with the Hale pack emissary even though he’s a wererabbit! And nothing said rabid like a vegetarian out for the flesh of revenge because Stiles was going to take a chunk out of this motherfucker!

So that’s how Derek found him –covered in witch’s blood and rabbit instincts in panic mode– when he came sniffing things out because _nobody_ misses a fireball that’s been thrown in the preserve. Who knew gnawing on a finger would cause so much blood to spurt out? _And_ he just found out firsthand the rabbit in him was _terrified_ of blood.

The witch had long teleported away from the area after being attacked by a rabid bunny with no self-preservation and surprisingly good aim.  
The wolf took one look at the shivering rabbit and gave a cautious sniff and lick before reaching down to pick him up by the scruff of his neck.  
Now Stiles had to worry about the possibility of being eaten a second time around just because he never told the pack he was a wererabbit.

***

He was placed into a mixing bowl _–what the hell–_ and into the sink. The water was tepid coming down in gentle streams as Derek paid extra attention to each of his paws to get the dirt out in between his toes. 'Oh this was sort of nice. But did Derek just not like dirt with his food? Was he washing the meat before commencing to chow down?’

He was thoroughly dried off. His burnt paw was still aching and throbbing. Derek lifted him out of the mixing bowl and walked toward the fridge, opened it, and shuffled the groceries around before plopping him onto the middle rack. Again, what the hell?

They were staring at each other eye to eye. Not like Stiles could talk he was a freaking rabbit! But Derek just watched silently as Stiles sat quaking in fear on the middle shelf squished between the milk carton and a bag of celery. Behind him was a cold, cold brick of butter pressed up against his furry butt. But hey seems like he fit just perfectly inside a refrigerator. Staring at Derek who was staring right back. A full 5 mins later the fridge went _‘beep beep beep’_ reminding them that the door had been kept open for too long. Derek poked him with a celery stalk. “You smell good.” He muttered. That did not calm Stiles down at all.

‘What was he doing putting a rabbit into the refrigerator? Was this some werewolfy cooking technique? Chill rabbit before placing into pan and simmer at low heat? Wait, scratch that the fridge was just fine!’ Because as soon as he thought that Derek picked him back up and shuffled over to the stove and popped him into a pot. Now he was staring up at Derek who was staring down at him. He was definitely going to be turned into rabbit stew! This pot just proved it. His heartbeat skyrocketed.

“Stay.” Derek ordered firmly. –As if Stiles could go anywhere, the rabbit was terrified!– Before he turned his back and got out a cutting board and some vegetables and proceeded to chop them up.

Stiles was not ready to be made into stew. He couldn’t shift back because the rabbit mind was in panic mode and apparently his body was wired to stay in rabbit as a defense mechanism. He needed to slow his heartrate the fuck down before it exploded. Though this was a decent pot, fairly wide with just enough space he could curl up into for a nap. Almost like a burrow his rabbit mind supplied. ‘No! NO!’ His human brain screeched. ‘It’s a bloody pot! Get the hell out before you’re turned into stew!’ Stiles went on his hind legs and peered out the edge contemplating his escape.

Derek turned around in time to see the rabbit half dangling out the pot when he so clearly told it to stay. 

Stiles froze as they made eye contact again. His escape attempt foiled.

Derek frowned and looked like he was pondering something. Boiling? Frying? Baking? Just because Stiles wouldn't stay still long enough to be slow cooked? Stiles didn’t know what was going through that wolfy brain. 

Then Derek walked away. He quickly returned with a blanket and wrapped it around the bunny, herding it back into the pot. ‘What? Was he not going to be eaten?’ Because Stiles really couldn’t recall any recipe that called for blanket bunny stew. Unless this was the rabbit version of tying up a pork tenderloin? Maybe he wasn’t going to be eaten after all? 

Scratch that. Derek just put the pot lid on. Stiles had to flatten his long ears so not to get squished. Then… ‘click’ was that a click? ‘Did Derek just turn on the stove?!’

Stiles was really going to be eaten! ‘Hold up, where was the cooking oil? That’s not how you cook rabbit! At least add some oil!’ Stiles did not want to be stuck at the bottom of the pot to be scraped off at a later date!

He didn’t normally do this. He had no idea how to calm a rabbit down. Rabbits were usually prey. Somehow, he didn’t want to eat this one. It was hard to explain. The light colouring of brown and splashes of spotted white fur along with the little beady black eyes staring up at him with a healthy dose of fear. Almost like some twitchy teenager he knew. He was worried the poor thing had been singed, so he thought he’d pop it in the fridge to cool off. But the thing just started shivering. So he transferred it into the pot with a blanket thinking it was getting too cold. Maybe the rabbit was terrified. He put the lid on the pot. Maybe that’d make it feel more like a burrow... He dropped some carrots into the pot in case it was feeling hungry.

Stiles did slowly stop shivering in fear. The enclosed space helped. It felt safe surrounded with four walls wrapped in a blanket that smelt like Derek. Calming down enough that he finally nudged the lid out of the way to poke his twitchy curious nose out into the open air. 

Derek was watching and listening to the heartbeat slowing down. He came over and scooped up the little thing blanket and all and headed over to the living room sofa and sank down. With the rabbit firmly cradled in his arms and ran a large hand down Stiles’ back from head to tail. And _oh_ did his rabbit love pets. The scent of wolf should not be appealing to his rabbit brain, but he stuck his nose between Derek’s arm and nuzzled into his side. Derek made a satisfied noise.

‘But wait! He couldn’t stay here all night! He had a home to go back to!’ Stiles really needed to get the hell out of here before Derek came up with more inventive ideas to care for a rabbit. So he vaulted off the warm lap and hopped toward the door. He turned back to look at a confused Derek. He thumped once, and again trying to make his intentions clear.

Apparently, Derek wasn’t having any of this and determined to keep him prisoner because he didn’t open the door but proceeded to pick him back up for more cuddles in those large muscular arms that dwarfed his small frame. “No you can’t go out,” he scolded. “There are dangerous predators out there. You’ll get hurt again.”

‘Hah! As if he wasn’t stuck inside with an equally dangerous creature that just put him into a pot!’ His rabbit heart had already calmed down, but his ADHD brain completely forgot he could attempt to shift back now. At this point he was just really annoyed at Derek for keeping him locked up in the loft. He was a rabbit! Freedom was his nature! He wasn’t born to be locked up! There was a garden of deliciousness on the other side of the door free for the taking –oh wait– that’s how he got injured in the first place.

As luck with have it, there was the sound of keys jangling and the front door rattled. Isaac stepped in, “Derek, we took care of th–“ and Stiles took the chance of a lifetime and _bolted_ through his legs.

His plans for jail break were stopped short because right behind Isaac was Erica who had way better reflexes. She deftly caught Stiles making a break for freedom and held up the squirming bunny at eye level. She leaned in closed and gave a deep sniff. Grinning ferally, “why hello there, Stiles. Fancy seeing your rabbit form for the first time. You and I have a lot of catching up to do.” She didn’t bother to enter the loft and marched back out. 

‘Oh no oh no.’ This was why he avoided shifting around the pack. Erica probably had some sick game of ‘chase the fragile bunny’ in mind. He was really missing that pot right about now.

***

Erica dumped him off at the loft after she was done with him with explicit instructions to ‘go tell Derek.’

Stiles entered the loft. Derek was sitting on the sofa looking morosely at the blanket that Stiles had been swathed in. Oh my god was he actually moping because the bunny escaped. His head jerked up when Stiles entered. His nostrils flared. Then he stalked toward Stiles glowering down at him and herded him against the wall. He leaned down and inhaled deeply. “You smell good.”

Stiles heart did a 180 and he shifted. Well that saved the need to explain. He had a bad habit of jumping into his rabbit skin every time his heart rate increased. He had to get that fixed.

Fighting his way out of his clothes to an amused Derek he gave his best bunny glare. Jumping back a few feet he thumped. Derek grinned and shifted into the wolf. Flashing a canine grin he darted forward to snap playfully at Stiles. He thumped again to say, ‘back off buddy fragile wererabbit here.’ Oh god he was fragile and puny in both forms. How did he get that luck of the draw? 

His eyes narrowed, spotting an opening he dashed off to the side seeing if he could escape. The wolf caught on and was faster. Tackling him and encasing him between his large forearms. He leaned down and gave a long, wet lick. _Ohh_ maybe he could get used to tongue baths. It felt _amazing_ never mind that it came from a predator. RE: no survival instincts. 

Oh _oh_ could Derek’s tongue do that thing to his ears again? That felt _good._ He never knew his ears were that sensitive as the warm tongue laved down his long fluffy ears. In between licks the cool puffs of air with contrasting hot tongue made him tingle in _all the right places._ That was some serious temperature play right there. And the low rumbly growls emitting from Derek’s chest like a mini vibrator into his body made him shiver deliciously. 

He flopped over on his back exposing his underside so Derek could groom there too. _Ohh yea_ that amazing tongue running up and down his belly was doing wonders to his body. Stiles was going to _explode,_ and he didn’t mean his little bunny heart. Oh and getting nibbled on? His foot started twitching as his pleasure climaxed. _So_ many new kinks. 

He nuzzled up under Derek’s chin sated. If he had firsthand knowledge of how talented Derek’s tongue was, he would have been fine being eaten any day.

**Author's Note:**

> It started out very wholesome and crackish in my head. It was just like: Bunny. Pot. HI STILES! Then bunny porn happened (I secretly have a sick _sick_ mind.)


End file.
